Smashing Reality

Separation is something we have been planning for a few months now, and here I am with the reality of what it actually feels like. The life of a single parent. I don't truly know how I got here and it seems so off track to what I had planned for my life. Maybe that is the point...we have this illusion of control in our lives yet anything can come along and smash those dreams to pieces.

The truth is we have been living separate lives for a number of years. He wasn't interested in what I was going through and I was caring for myself as number one for the first time ever. I am the reason we chose different paths. I stood up and said no more. No more faking it. No more pretending. No more ignoring each other. 

All I am left with is the feelings of responsibility, parenting my kids by myself and trying to figure out the next step. Have I done something wrong by standing up for myself? Should we just stay together and pretend so the kids don't have to divide their time on the weekends? Were things really as bad as that or was I just making a mountain out of a mole hill? 

Too many thoughts and I don't know which way is up. For now I will just continue the path I have chosen and pray I haven't made too big a mess of things.