My dissociated past holds secrets I need to know, yet all parts of me work so hard to keep it all hidden or to keep the conscious mind from truly knowing. Even when truth has been spoken there are so many mechanisms that prevent us from accepting, believing or processing what seems utterly impossible. It is exhausting always having to find yourself, to fight your way forward, even though forward actually feels so far backward it hurts.
In session today we talked in circles for a bit, not really dealing with anything too hard. I didn't have it in me today after a really long few weeks with heavy memories. Frustration was presenting itself during our discussion, aimed at the continued fight and the need to know. I wanted to know the big picture so that when the details came out it wasn't so much a shock. This resulted in H bringing out a timeline template.
So, sitting in the carpark at school, I started to fill in the little things I remember on my timeline. I have only made it to 20 months and there isn't enough space to write everything in. There is far too many events on this little timeline. It only continues to get worse with so many things overlapping. It has caused a number of triggers I had to put it away. Yet, I want to finish it. Again, I am fighting with myself.
