Sanctuary

For some reason this is the word bouncing around my head at the moment, sanctuary. A holy place where I can seek refuge. A safe place to connect with no condemnation.

Every Sunday morning, regardless of how the night before was, I have to deal with horrible triggers in church. We run two morning services at our church and this has been a godsend. The first service I need to ground myself, work at feeling safe and slowly open to the word God is bringing. I need to push these triggers and remind myself that the present is not where the fear is, it is from years ago and I am actually safe despite being surrounded by a large group of people.  The two services gives me time to reconnect with myself, my present and then with my savior. 

The sermon finishes and God calls me to bring my current season to him, to know that he will always be with me, especially when things don't look how I expected them to look. I take my steps forward during the altar call and hold onto his promises once again. Bringing every part of me to Christ each and every week. Continually reminding myself what we are holding on for. 

With my marriage broken, though not beyond God's hands if we can all get on the same page, and my children at their Dad's for the weekend, I find myself at 35 struggling again with the questions who am I? The role of wife and mother has defined me for many years and now I stand in this place with every foundation crumbled and broken, Jesus is leading towards the beginning of restoration.

But is it the right time? I feel like I still have a long way to go. I am still in this place of emotional instability so how can God possibly use me right now? Surely I need to be 'better' before I am of any use? 

I don't know but I feel his leading.

I believe he is leading me forward so I don't get stuck in this space of grieving. I believe he is bringing me to my next step and longs to speak into my life rebuilding a strong foundation to withstand all he has in store for me. I am standing on the edge of he is asking me to take a step of faith. Fear grips me right as I raise my foot and entrust my whole complete self, insecurity, fear, and anxiety, into his ever faithful hands. 

Isaiah 61:1-4The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because The Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bin up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of The Lord's favour and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort to all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of The Lord for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated. They will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. 

This is Jesus response to my grief. He will restore all if I walk in obedience. I just have to continue to trust, even if I don't fully understand where or why he is leading me in a certain direction.