Why I Need to Know

My dissociated past holds secrets I need to know, yet all parts of me work so hard to keep it all hidden or to keep the conscious mind from truly knowing. Even when truth has been spoken there are so many mechanisms that prevent us from accepting, believing or processing what seems utterly impossible. It is exhausting always having to find yourself, to fight your way forward, even though forward actually feels so far backward it hurts.

In session today we talked in circles for a bit, not really dealing with anything too hard. I didn't have it in me today after a really long few weeks with heavy memories. Frustration was presenting itself during our discussion, aimed at the continued fight and the need to know. I wanted to know the big picture so that when the details came out it wasn't so much a shock. This resulted in H bringing out a timeline template. 

So, sitting in the carpark at school, I started to fill in the little things I remember on my timeline. I have only made it to 20 months and there isn't enough space to write everything in. There is far too many events on this little timeline. It only continues to get worse with so many things overlapping. It has caused a number of triggers I had to put it away. Yet, I want to finish it. Again, I am fighting with myself. 

Familiar Voice

Mark 14:16

"The disciples left, went into the city and found things just as Jesus had told them. So they prepared the Passover."

When reading about the Passover, this is not usually somewhere you stop but this morning while reading, it jumped out at me. Jesus gave them detailed instructions of what to do and there is no mention of any questioning, they just did it. They were obedient and they found things as Jesus said. 

By this point they had been in relationship together, the disciples especially, every day for 3 years. They would have known each other really well. Over the course of his ministry Jesus had done many miraculous things and spoken some strange instructions. I think the disciples would have become familiar with Jesus and his strange instructions. They would have been use to all he said coming true and miracles happening. So much so that they didn't question what he told them. 

I long to have that same familiarity with Jesus voice that I know and trust every word he says, that I don't even question it. To know Jesus intimately I can follow instruction without question. 

However, we need to be careful we don't become so familiar with his voice that we take it for granted. I have been guilty of this, having grown up in the church. I forget how much we have been given by being able to come to Jesus ourself. To have been given the Holy Spirit to guide us daily. Of all the generations in the bible, the New Testament church are the only ones to have this honour. 

Another thing I noted in the scripture is how they simply made preparations. There was no large production of thanks that everything was as Jesus said, their obedience of carrying out his instructions. Sometimes there are things that God asks us to do that don't require a big song and dance. Jesus just calls us to be obedient and do as he asks. Nothing else is needed for obedience is he most important thing. 

Sanctuary

For some reason this is the word bouncing around my head at the moment, sanctuary. A holy place where I can seek refuge. A safe place to connect with no condemnation.

Every Sunday morning, regardless of how the night before was, I have to deal with horrible triggers in church. We run two morning services at our church and this has been a godsend. The first service I need to ground myself, work at feeling safe and slowly open to the word God is bringing. I need to push these triggers and remind myself that the present is not where the fear is, it is from years ago and I am actually safe despite being surrounded by a large group of people.  The two services gives me time to reconnect with myself, my present and then with my savior. 

The sermon finishes and God calls me to bring my current season to him, to know that he will always be with me, especially when things don't look how I expected them to look. I take my steps forward during the altar call and hold onto his promises once again. Bringing every part of me to Christ each and every week. Continually reminding myself what we are holding on for. 

With my marriage broken, though not beyond God's hands if we can all get on the same page, and my children at their Dad's for the weekend, I find myself at 35 struggling again with the questions who am I? The role of wife and mother has defined me for many years and now I stand in this place with every foundation crumbled and broken, Jesus is leading towards the beginning of restoration.

But is it the right time? I feel like I still have a long way to go. I am still in this place of emotional instability so how can God possibly use me right now? Surely I need to be 'better' before I am of any use? 

I don't know but I feel his leading.

I believe he is leading me forward so I don't get stuck in this space of grieving. I believe he is bringing me to my next step and longs to speak into my life rebuilding a strong foundation to withstand all he has in store for me. I am standing on the edge of he is asking me to take a step of faith. Fear grips me right as I raise my foot and entrust my whole complete self, insecurity, fear, and anxiety, into his ever faithful hands. 

Isaiah 61:1-4The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because The Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bin up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of The Lord's favour and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort to all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of The Lord for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated. They will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. 

This is Jesus response to my grief. He will restore all if I walk in obedience. I just have to continue to trust, even if I don't fully understand where or why he is leading me in a certain direction. 

Dreams

I get so upset at myself, the last few nights I have forgotten to take my night meds and as a result I get horrid dreams and I wake up every hour at the least. The meds don't help with the sleep but it helps me rest and prevents the dreams. I was all over the place last night I had trouble keeping the blanket on! 

I am angry and disorientated and I want to cry. Such a mix of emotions. 

Smashing Reality

Separation is something we have been planning for a few months now, and here I am with the reality of what it actually feels like. The life of a single parent. I don't truly know how I got here and it seems so off track to what I had planned for my life. Maybe that is the point...we have this illusion of control in our lives yet anything can come along and smash those dreams to pieces.

The truth is we have been living separate lives for a number of years. He wasn't interested in what I was going through and I was caring for myself as number one for the first time ever. I am the reason we chose different paths. I stood up and said no more. No more faking it. No more pretending. No more ignoring each other. 

All I am left with is the feelings of responsibility, parenting my kids by myself and trying to figure out the next step. Have I done something wrong by standing up for myself? Should we just stay together and pretend so the kids don't have to divide their time on the weekends? Were things really as bad as that or was I just making a mountain out of a mole hill? 

Too many thoughts and I don't know which way is up. For now I will just continue the path I have chosen and pray I haven't made too big a mess of things. 

Discharge

Everyone always talks about the inpatient experience but very few talk about the discharge experience and what it feels like to be home. 

I was discharged on the Thursday afternoon, as I wanted to be home for church on Good Friday. I felt relieved to be home but then I felt like I didn't fit. I felt like I had actually jumped out of life only to have missed a week. All my friends and family had jumped in to help where it was needed but when it came to me getting out of hospital, it felt like everything should be back to normal and everyone went back to their usual routines. I guess I felt missed. 

While in hospital you have your assigned nurse every shift, the 2 day shifts will check on you a couple if times during the shift to make sure you are okay and if I needed anything they are the person to see about it. Plus, during my stay, I had people messaging me to see how I was going, checking in with me again, stepping in to help Aaron with the kids. Then it just all stopped. I was discharged and all the extra time and care just disappeared and I felt lost. 

I guess it sounds selfish and very egocentric yet the change took me by surprise. I think it has been made harder by the conversations Aaron and I have been having regarding separation and the final logistics of all that. It is a long weekend and I can't get to see Helen til Wednesday evening. 

I remember on Thursday night I was having a lot of anxiety about going to church and all my friends surrounding me  and all vieing for my attention and them wanting to say great to see you etc and I would be overwhelmed and saying too many people. Yet, reality is people don't crowd you. They are respectful and give you space, they want you to know they care about you but they also don't want to make a big fuss. 

It is such a strange thing, our minds. We get ourself worked up to an expected outcome, even though you fear it to a degree you are deflated by reality. Reality is far more comfortable and reasonable and yet it just didn't meet your expectations. I guess it just shows how much I need to work on living in reality instead of my head! 

Admission

It appears the ward is somewhat like a magnifying glass, highlighting your areas of weakness and maximizing your insecurities. 

I am finding myself to be highly anxious in this environment surrounded by various crazy people, me included. Not knowing which way to turn and who to trust. I am finding the nurses so overtly sincere it borders on pretense. 

It is such a bizarre environment to be in and I find myself hiding from the world, internally and externally. Tied up in knots trying to figure out which part belongs where. The paranoia of being unsafe and the ironic perceived protection from pieces of fabric draped around my given space. 

Surely evil can't invade past these enchanted drapes! Yet, they provide my desired isolation from all that lurks beyond, though never fully acknowledging the things I run from are inside my head.