Smashing Reality

Separation is something we have been planning for a few months now, and here I am with the reality of what it actually feels like. The life of a single parent. I don't truly know how I got here and it seems so off track to what I had planned for my life. Maybe that is the point...we have this illusion of control in our lives yet anything can come along and smash those dreams to pieces.

The truth is we have been living separate lives for a number of years. He wasn't interested in what I was going through and I was caring for myself as number one for the first time ever. I am the reason we chose different paths. I stood up and said no more. No more faking it. No more pretending. No more ignoring each other. 

All I am left with is the feelings of responsibility, parenting my kids by myself and trying to figure out the next step. Have I done something wrong by standing up for myself? Should we just stay together and pretend so the kids don't have to divide their time on the weekends? Were things really as bad as that or was I just making a mountain out of a mole hill? 

Too many thoughts and I don't know which way is up. For now I will just continue the path I have chosen and pray I haven't made too big a mess of things. 

Discharge

Everyone always talks about the inpatient experience but very few talk about the discharge experience and what it feels like to be home. 

I was discharged on the Thursday afternoon, as I wanted to be home for church on Good Friday. I felt relieved to be home but then I felt like I didn't fit. I felt like I had actually jumped out of life only to have missed a week. All my friends and family had jumped in to help where it was needed but when it came to me getting out of hospital, it felt like everything should be back to normal and everyone went back to their usual routines. I guess I felt missed. 

While in hospital you have your assigned nurse every shift, the 2 day shifts will check on you a couple if times during the shift to make sure you are okay and if I needed anything they are the person to see about it. Plus, during my stay, I had people messaging me to see how I was going, checking in with me again, stepping in to help Aaron with the kids. Then it just all stopped. I was discharged and all the extra time and care just disappeared and I felt lost. 

I guess it sounds selfish and very egocentric yet the change took me by surprise. I think it has been made harder by the conversations Aaron and I have been having regarding separation and the final logistics of all that. It is a long weekend and I can't get to see Helen til Wednesday evening. 

I remember on Thursday night I was having a lot of anxiety about going to church and all my friends surrounding me  and all vieing for my attention and them wanting to say great to see you etc and I would be overwhelmed and saying too many people. Yet, reality is people don't crowd you. They are respectful and give you space, they want you to know they care about you but they also don't want to make a big fuss. 

It is such a strange thing, our minds. We get ourself worked up to an expected outcome, even though you fear it to a degree you are deflated by reality. Reality is far more comfortable and reasonable and yet it just didn't meet your expectations. I guess it just shows how much I need to work on living in reality instead of my head!