Seeking Help

I find it very hard to ask for help, to say what I feeling. I have great friends who are able to be there for me and yet I find myself sitting in the Emergency room awaiting admission to the psyche ward. All because I believe it is too hard to ask for help. 

One of the strongest false beliefs I have is that of being too much for people to handle. I find it so easy to be there for them and to give gifts to show how much I care for them, yet I can't tell them how I truly feel. I can't utter the words 'I can't do this anymore' because what can they really do to help? I love hanging out with my friends, and probably do so far more than I should, but the journey of healing is a lonely one. It is I who must walk alone. It is I who deals with the demons torment during the long hours of night. 

I don't know what all this means other than I am seeing how important it is to be honest. To ask for what you need, even when we are sure it is far too much to ask. It is far better to have a friend say 'I don't know how to help' with a firm hug than it is sitting in hospital without anyone around. 

I feel like such a failure. Truly battling this lowest point in my life. I just hope there is an upwards turn from this point. The Lord knows I need it, I just have to start to believe I deserve it. 

My sacrificial offering is learning to use the pain to breakthrough into all that Jesus has for me. To trust when I don't know how. To take a step when I want to quit. To believe when I can't see hope beyond a few seconds.